These ‘sex myths’ are hindering your relationship

Sexual myths (SM) are an obstacle to a thriving sexual relationship.

SMs are false beliefs and attitudes that affect a couple’s sex life. They are unquestioned, implicit ideas and can contribute to unrealistic expectations and unnecessary pressure.

If embedded, SMs can lead to unhappiness or problems in the bedroom. It is important to identify the myth you hold and work against it.

We have described some SMS and how to counter them here.

Keep in mind that there are many SMs and this list is by no means exhaustive.

Spontaneity is key

This is the belief that sex should always be spontaneous and unplanned. Holding on to this myth, however, can lead to a lack of sex. With a busy life, it’s easy for sex to slip down the list of priorities.

This myth ignores the importance of communication and intentionality in a healthy and active sex life.

The solution: schedule sex into your life. In the My Love Your Love app, we’ve created an exercise where you discuss and plan sex called Making Time for Sexy Time.

Penetrative sex is the only real sex

This is the misconception that sex is only worthwhile if it involves penetrative intercourse.

Such a myth neglects the diversity of sexuality and intimate activities, while adding pressure to perform penetrative sex, potentially leading to performance problems in both men and women.

It neglects other forms of sexual pleasure that can be equally or more sexually satisfying. The solution: spend more time on non-penetrative sex. Look at foreplay as sex, rather than something that happens before sex. Try a sexual challenge without penetration and focus only on touch.

Orgasms are necessary for pleasure

This myth perpetuates the idea that every sexual encounter must lead to orgasm for both partners to consider it successful or satisfying.

Holding on to this myth will lead to frustration and even resentment. Orgasms are great, but they can be elusive, especially if you’re stressed, depressed, or stuck in your thoughts. The pressure to perform is real when it comes to arousal and orgasm. The more pressure you put on yourself to become aroused or orgasm, the more elusive that arousal and orgasm will be.

People are different in their ability to achieve orgasm, so by holding on to this myth, you will unknowingly add pressure to yourself or your partner, which will inevitably result in the opposite effect.

Solution: when having sex, focus on the process, not the end result. Spend more time on foreplay and be okay with ending sex if you no longer feel the urge.

Desire falls in long-term relationships

This myth assumes that desire diminishes as individuals age in long-term relationships.

Holding this assumption will inevitably result in your sexual relationship being neglected.

Age can be one factor that affects sexual desire, but there are many others, including changes in physical health, mental health, relationship dynamics, and attitudes about sex. Holding such a myth reduces the need to invest in your sexual relationship, no matter what stage of life you are in. It also overlooks the potential for fulfilling and fulfilling sex lives at any stage of life.

The solution: prioritize your sex life. Talk about sex regularly. Rekindles passion and desire.

There is no need for communication

This myth assumes that partners should know each other’s desires and preferences without the need for open and honest communication. This can result in unsatisfying sexual encounters and avoidance of sex.

Everyone is different and will have different preferences when it comes to arousal and sex. You are unlikely to have the same preferences as each other or previous partners.

Solution: Talk to your partner about what you like and don’t like.

More is always better

This is the misconception that the quantity of sexual encounters is proportional to the quality of a relationship. It prioritizes quantity over quality of sexual encounters, ignoring the importance of emotional connection and intimacy.

The solution: take the focus off how much sex you’re having and focus on the quality of the sex you’re having. Schedule times to have sex when you won’t be interrupted or rushed.

Sex should be perfect every time

This myth is about the belief that every sexual encounter should be perfect and without any challenges or difficult moments.

Holding such a view will inevitably lead to disappointments and frustrations. Sex can be revealing and messy. You may encounter awkward positions, sensations and sounds.

Arousal varies from day to day, and can be affected by your current health and how present you are. So it is impossible for every sexual encounter to be flawless.

The solution: try to see every sexual encounter as an opportunity to be with your partner. Focus on purpose and connection rather than a set of results.

Sex is simple and natural

This is the notion that good sex should happen naturally and effortlessly, without the need for learning, practice or effort.

Sex is something we get better at with practice and exploration, so holding on to the myth that it should be easy and natural not only results in disappointing sex, but also prevents you from exploring the potential of your sexual connection.

The solution: discuss with your partner what kind of sex you would both like for this particular sexual encounter. Be open to new experiences and give encouraging feedback all the time.

Men always want sex/women don’t

This myth includes stereotypical assumptions about gender and sexuality, perpetuating the idea that men are always ready for sex, while women are not as interested.

This myth adds undue pressure on men to have sex at any given time, while diminishing women’s desires as secondary to men’s.

Solution: discuss when each of you prefers sex and take turns initiating sex.

If your sex life is blocked by TSD or SM, you are missing out on the wonderful benefits of a healthy sex life throughout the life of your relationship.

Edited excerpt from The 8 Love Links (Publish Central $34.95) by Shahn Baker Sorekli and Helen Robertson. Shahn and Helen are Clinical Psychologists and couples therapists, as well as co-founders of the couples coaching app My Love your love For more information visit www.8lovelinks.com